Pre-Op Thoughts: Fear the Reaper
The Erica B Excision Adventure | T-2 Days Until Surgery
I woke up around five and had to drag myself to the bathroom. “Run” is too generous. It was more like a limp, every step hurting worse than the last. My whole asscrack felt like it was on fire. It truly sucked.
Before heading back, I took a couple of Tylenol even though I didn’t want to. My stomach is not what it used to be, and pills on an empty stomach usually mean I’ll be puking later. Trulicity really did a number on my guts despite all the good it does for my blood sugars.
I crawled back into bed, and Nate was still out cold. I was glad he was sleeping because he has his own pain to deal with, but I couldn’t stop wishing I could just knock back out too. Instead, I lay there, letting my brain get real dark.
It was ugly.
I keep thinking this is the surgery I won’t wake up from. I’ve had plenty before, and I always came out fine enough. But how long does luck last? One day it runs out. What if this is it?
And then I spiral about all the stuff I haven’t done. I’ve never left the country. I’ve always wanted to see Scotland, even just once. I haven’t had a real vacation in forever and I rarely have a non-weekend day to relax. Any time off I accumulate goes to HS-related absences. I never had kids, mostly because your girl likes time and money, but also because I didn’t want them to suffer through HS the way I have. I’ve stayed at a job that doesn’t make me happy because I can’t risk losing healthcare and FMLA. At least I like the people there, so it’s not all bad. You don’t know how many times I’ve been yelled at for worrying about taking time off and things. Hell, my boss just gave me a readful via Teams about missing a work event today. That lady was probably about ready to snatch my face off.
This surgery could help me. It could ease some of this pain. But it could just as easily go wrong, or do nothing, or the hidradenitis could just show up in some other sensitive bit. That’s the thing about it—it always finds a way back like a bad penny.
But maybe it will change my life, too.
Some days it really feels like I’m cursed. Like I’ve been living half a life while HS steals the rest. It keeps me from things I want, places I want to go, experiences I should’ve had by now. Hell, I’m only 44….I could still do some awesome shit, you know what I mean?
Mostly, though? I just want to be able to sit in a chair for longer than 10 damn minutes.
And yeah, sometimes I legit ask myself if I deserve it. Maybe karma’s keeping score, and I lost. I don’t know. All I can say is it’s frustrating.
But then I try to remind myself of the good. I’ve got friends who are basically family, wild and weird, and mine. I’ve got a husband who loves me, even when I hate my own body, and will hold me when I cry that I feel like life is passing over me. I wrote a whole novel, one that sat in my head for twenty years, and I still think that’s pretty fucking cool, even if no one reads it. And I’ve got a job where people actually care when I can’t do things, people who remind me to take care of myself before anything else. That’s not nothing.
Right now, though, the darkness is just really loud. I hate it. I want to believe I’m going to be okay. I want to believe I’ll get some of my life back.
I just have to wake up this time.
Tomorrow is Suicide Prevention Day. I am not at that edge, but I can understand how someone with HS might get pulled down that dark road. It can feel like an unending cycle of pain, shame, and exhaustion. And not just HS—anyone living in the shadows of chronic illness, mental health battles, or just the heaviness of life can feel that weight.
If that is you, please know you are not alone. There are resources out there, and there are people who care—even internet strangers like me. If you need it, here are some places to reach for:
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (U.S.): call or text 988 anytime
International resources: findahelpline.com has numbers for crisis lines worldwide
For HS specifically: the Hidradenitis Suppurativa subreddit has been a lifesaver for me more than once. People share advice, vent, and remind each other we’re not fighting this beast alone.
HS Foundation: hs-foundation.org for info, research, and support
If you are reading this and struggling, please do not suffer in silence. Reach out to one of these lines, or to a friend, or even to me in the comments. No one should feel like they have to fight in the dark.
Mood: freaked out, honestly
Song stuck in my head: nothing, just my own damn thoughts
Pain level: asscrack on fire, 10/10 do not recommend
Today’s Fuck-It Moment: took Tylenol on an empty stomach, even though I knew it was gonna mess me up later
Today’s Win: I made some headway in work projects, so that made me feel accomplished.